On December 28, 2014 I had an abortion with my second child. I did not want an abortion. My situation forced me to. In October of that I had a new boyfriend and I had recently gotten out of a relationship with my daughter’s father after 6 years. My new boyfriend and I had only been together for a few weeks. He did not know that I had been looking for work for two years. I was just getting out of an abusive relationship. I had no furniture in my house. I did not have money to pay rent and much more. I was also going to college regardless of all of this paid through the FASFA. The only work I had was occasional housekeeping job. When my new boyfriend and I had unprotected sex we both panicked and he stopped talking to me. Three days later I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant because I had implantation bleeding. She said that I was being paranoid. But I just knew I was pregnant.

She convinced me to get the birth control shot because I was in no shape to get pregnant right now and I did. At this it was too early to know if I was pregnant. Month went by and my situation got worse. My daughter somehow knew that I was pregnant and she was excited. She was 3 at the time and wanted a brother or sister. I convinced myself that I was not pregnant even though I had the symptoms. But a big part of me knew that I was. I had been wanting a second child for years. I would find myself talking to my belly and telling my baby that I would make this situation better. But then I would tell myself that I was not pregnant because the test said I was not pregnant and I do not have my period because I’m on the shot.

My sister and friend told me I was not pregnant and I was gaining weight due to the shot. They were wrong. After two months of not calling, the father of the baby called and I was still in denial and he asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him. I could not speak. I had not retaken a pregnancy test so I did not know what to say. I asked to see him and he refused. He said if there is something I needed to say then say it now. I don’t know why the words could not come out. He blocked my number after that. Finally, someone pointed out that I was definitely pregnant and bought me a test and yes I was. I was so happy but devastated. I had no money, car, stable income or furniture. I loved this baby so much! I was over joyed that my feelings were true. There was a little baby that I had been longing for growing in me. My sister and friend immediately agree that my only option was to have an abortion. I was close to getting evicted and I had nowhere to go.

My sister was living with me. My mom was in a charity home where I could not live and my father had an abusive wife that refused for me or even her own daughter to stay. My Aunt said no and basically all of my family. All my family members like me but none of them wanted a commitment. My parents had me at an older age so all my Aunts and Uncles were done with babies. They just want to play with them and give them back. This was there words. I called several homeless shelters and the soonest that I could be in was in 6 months. I was also told that if I had the baby while homeless that the government would take my baby and my other daughter. I then called 1-800 pregnant need help number and they wanted me to give my baby up for adoption. When I refused this they hung up and me. They only hung up after trying to guilt me into having an abortion. I also called every charity I could find and they were all full or wanted me to give my baby up for adoption. I explained to all of them how much I loved my baby and how bad I wanted to keep it. I told them how I loved every second of being a mom to my daughter.

They were all cold and uncaring. They said if I really loved the baby I would give it up. The day of the abortion no one was with me because they were all too busy. In the waiting room I called everyone I could. I cried in the bathroom in despair. I wondered where my miracle was. I started to truly realize how cold the world could be. I went out to the pro-life abortionist and told one that I was not having an abortion because I wanted to but because I had to. She said nothing until I had already walked back to the door of the clinic and was already opening it and was finally said why? I was so depressed and disappointed I did not answer her. I regret not answering her to this day. When I got called back I told the counselor everything, she said I was making the right decision even though I told her I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I told the doctor too. He could feel how upset I was. He tried to convince me to come back in two weeks and then his wife came in and grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the accountant. I kept looking back to him for help and he did not look up. The accountant and the wife snapped at me to give them the money. I hesitantly opened my purse and gave them what they wanted. Everything in me told me to run but my body did not move.

I don’t know why I could not get my body to leave. I kept holding my baby to comfort it and I kept apologizing to my baby and telling him or her how sorry I was that I could not save it. In the room when the doctor stepped out to let me get undressed I got undressed but then I kept walking back to my clothes to put them back on. Then I would put them down again and sit down. I did not know where I would go if I left. Who would help me? What would happen to my baby if I had it? Would I find a job? I have been looking for so long. Would my child be taken from me? Would then my other child be taken from me too. Suddenly the door opened and it was the doctor. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this and I told him that I was sure I did not. He said he could not start until I was, I wanted this. I told him if I said that I would be lying. Finally, he convinced me to say it. Those were the hardest words I ever had to say. As he was putting the rod in I told him to stop. He said that he had ruptured my mucus plug and now I would probably have a miscarriage anyways.

He said that would be even more traumatic and I would have to come back and have this done anyways. I found out that he lied. The mucus plug can come back. I would have been fine. As soon as the abortion was over I screamed that I wanted my baby back and I went into severe shock. I now have severe PTSD from it. I have never been the same. I was right. I have never gotten over it. I do not for see ever getting over it. I want another baby but I feel that I am not as good as a mom as I used to be. I am always having flash backs and I get depressed so much. I no longer feel that I can connect with my daughter as I use to. I feel that I stole my daughters best friend and sibling. When she gets bored and lonely I hate myself.

When I see siblings of any age love each other and have a close relationship I hate myself. 3 weeks after the abortion I was offered a job making great money and stability. I got a nice car, furniture and had my life together. I hated it all. I hated that I killed my baby for nothing. I had lost faith in all of humanity. I had spent my entire life volunteering, helping people and giving to the homeless and no one would help me in my biggest time of need. I had never asked for help in my life but this one time and I had no one to turn to. I still help people and volunteer.

Before the abortion I had over 3000 volunteer hours and now I have over 4000. I have my daughter in girl scouts and I volunteer all the time with them too. I long for another baby but I have been single for 3 years now. I am so scared to trust again. I also know that if I have a baby that it will not heal the pain from the one I lost. I’m about to turn 31 in a few days and I am scared that I will not be given the opportunity to have more kids. I have always wanted at least 4. For now, I take my daughter with me everywhere I go. I miss her when she is at school and I cannot comprehend someone needing a break from their child. I hope this helps someone out there. I was told that I needed to share my story.